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I just got back from a run. I’m amazed to write that statement. It seems it might have been a decade since I last did so. However It came to my attention that I have elevated cholesterol, and doctors suggested to do sweaty exercise on a consistent basis.

For the first time ever in my life that the reason to be active has been my health status. In my youth, I exercised because I wanted to lose weight. At times I ran to cure my anxiety – It was an avoidance tactic from those feelings, not addressing it. At other times, I ran because I wanted to get better with jogging. It signified the meaning to me back then to build a better life.

Jogging with altered intent at present got me thinking about the methods I’ve interacted with my body throughout my life and how this is changing as I progress from youth to middle age. It seems unlikely I’ve valued my body, not deep down. I’ve valued it solely for its functions and the objectives it provided: aiming to appeal; dodging sentiments; completing a speedier 5K run. Until today, I’ve not understood that my body is me, it is my existence, as opposed to a tool for outcomes.

A great deal has been written through history about the division involving physical and mental aspects – a topic you will be relieved to know, I won’t summarize here. What resonated most compelling is Freud’s understanding that consciousness and physique are naturally unified right from the start, because bodily growth requires emotional evolution and conversely. The newborn’s physical sensations – such as the physical sensation of hunger – motivate the mind to build the capacity to recognise hunger as an emotion that may be satisfied by eating; and the psychological solace and contentment regularly delivered by meal after meal supports the child’s mind just as the nutrition nourishes them physically. Likewise emotional occurrences – such as the urge to stand up and grab an object, and the persistence to attempt repeatedly – are the cause and means the body develops power. From our earliest moments, our body and mind are interlinked in mutual development as integrated as DNA strands.

Yet It’s become clear, in sessions with my therapist, that my consciousness and physique might experience a distinct connection – one less integrated and somewhat abusive. My mind may employ my physique to hold and manifest things that my psyche deems undesirable or unacceptable. In my sessions it emerged that exist specific feelings that I fear are too much for me; rather than sensing them in my mind, I unintentionally push them into my body, where they remain as physical symptoms.

I used to get this with indigestion – which had nothing to do with food intake, but acted as a type of physical reflux of the sharper sentiments I failed to handle psychologically. This wasn’t a deliberate decision, but after it was introduced into my consciousness by my analyst, and my dread and insecurity and anger and terror were experienced and articulated rather than converted to physical sensation, it resolved. It’s uncommon for me from stomach problems now.

The toughest period I experienced this terrible acid reflux, I didn’t sleep for many nights straight. It seemed I was slipping away from my sanity. I visited to the GP, who arranged all sorts of diagnostic procedures, but everything was medically abnormal. The situation was a different physician who informed me that the cause might be emotional. My psychoanalyst concurred. I was shocked, but I recognized it was correct.

Whenever someone is suffering a bodily issue, they might feel insulted upon hearing that there might be a mental root. They can experience this as being disrespected, hearing that their symptom is imagined. Naturally that does happen – people can have their suffering discounted or misdiagnosed. But in some cases it’s possible that the physical symptoms are genuine – without doubt – and the cause is mental, the unconscious using the body to convey certain suffering or rage or any feeling the conscious self cannot tolerate. At times, we may believe our feelings matters solely only through expression through the body. We often undervalue our mental states personally, collectively and culturally; for what reason would we tolerate the shocking reduction of psychodynamic psychotherapy on the NHS?

My experiences have revealed that an improved existence cannot be built when we are stuck unawares in ways of relating, internally and in relationships, that are rooted in devaluation, use and exchange. Such patterns tend to be simpler to identify “in the world” in the general public. It’s perhaps harder to think about where they come from, and to identify these forms within ourselves and within our closest relationships, in the workings of our minds.

However persistence pays off. Upon wearing my jogging shoes again following many years, going outside not to get a better body, or to eliminate a feeling, or to improve a running record, {it